I get on the bus with the distinct feeling someone

Fragment from my book “A Horse Called Bicycle”

Context: Following and argument with her boyfriend, polo player Roxy tries to talk to herself during a bus journey.

I get on the bus with the distinct feeling someone has just stabbed me in the heart and the knife is still there, and that my heart is bleeding badly. I have no idea why that is and what I can do about it.

It takes two hours to get to Lobos by bus and, in the absence of anything better to do, I close my eyes and try to meditate. Meditation is like writing — whatever happens, you can go back to it. It’s always there, waiting. Even when you have trouble actually doing it, it’s still there, offering you a convenient escape from reality.

I focus on this feeling of a stab in the heart and try to have a conversation with it. It’s so acute and so irrational that I doubt it wants to talk to me, but I try anyway.

“What is this?” my mind asks.

“Blood,” my heart answers.

“Why is there blood?”

“Because it hurts, you stupid.”

“OK, what exactly hurts? Can you please describe? Nothing happened. No pasa nada. Like they say in Argentina. He sent me a text asking for the address. I’m going to see him later and he’ll probably have a gift for me this time. After all, it’s still my birthday. And don’t call me stupid, please. I’m not stupid. I’m just rational.”

“You’re clearly clueless,” my heart answers.

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“I really don’t see why you make such a big fuss,” my mind continues accusingly.